If you have PTSD, or know someone who does, you know how horrible hypervigilance is. I was so scared of my own nervous system, and the behaviour I couldn’t control, I became afraid of becoming afraid. Avoiding places, avoiding people, avoiding life… hiding from triggers because I couldn’t hide from my nervous system.
This morning, the 4-year-old hid in the darkness of the stairwell, jumped out, and yelled, “BOO!” I jumped, of course, and he laughed and laughed. I sat down and laughed with him until my belly hurt and tears streamed down my face.
I didn’t throw a punch or kick. I didn’t pull a blade. I didn’t launch into a yelling, raging, tantrum. I sat with my baby boy and laughed until I cried.
If it sounds like bragging, it is. I worked really hard for years to get to this place. Therapy… group therapy… equine therapy… antidepressants… anti-anxiety meds… mood stabilizers… anti-psychotics… psychedelic-assisted therapy… marriage counseling… family counseling… YEARS of hard work.
I earned this. My family deserves this. You do too.