In which our hero overcomes the scariest demon in his mind.
Big day, Saturday. Real big day.
It’s public knowledge I’ve struggled with alcoholism all my life. I’ve been dry for decades (couple slips here and there, over the years). Most of those decades, I was a dry drunk. Still had all the underlying issues that caused me to hide from myself in booze, I just didn’t drink.
I stayed scared, terrified, of alcohol for 30 years. Terrified that if I had a drink, I’d get hammered and turn into that asshole I hate so much. Terrified of an inanimate liquid. I gave it power over my life. The power I gave it caused me intense anxiety attacks when anybody would be thoughtless enough to bring whiskey within reach.
Saturday, I decided to face that demon. Y’see, I fucking refuse to have triggers anymore. I will not allow anything to control my nervous system or behaviours anymore. I will not allow anything to create an uncontrollable emotional/physical response in me ever again, except my wife’s ass. (Some of you’ve seen it. You know what I’m talking about.)
Saturday, I poured Dennette a rye and ginger, something I never thought I’d do. Then, sweating, heart racing, tunnel vision kicking in, I took a big swig. Panic attack was trying to set in. And I stood there, forcing my breathing to regulate, listening to and feeling the messages from my body.
And it said, “Meh. Whatever.”
I still didn’t want another drink. I waited, breathing, convincing my body to come out of the anxiety attack, grounding myself. I wanted to make sure the anxiety wasn’t overriding the addiction. So, I calmed myself and waited for the signal from my body.
It said, “Still meh. Piss off already.”
I still didn’t want another drink. Like, at all. On any level. So, I cried tears of relief, joy, and pride, took Dennette her drink, told her about it, and basked in the joy that comes from overcoming fear.I ain’t suggesting anyone else should try it. I’m not even sure I should have. But I did.
And I won.
This one’s for you, grampa. We did it.
If you need assistance: